Total Emotional Trauma

Grief takes away your ability to breath. It takes away your talent, your normal, it takes away you. You have become an emotional freight train on a one way track to no where. There's suddenly no future ahead, only memories behind and darkness all around. It is void of people, reason, hope. It is the end all and beginning of every day filled with endless sorrow, oceans of tears, misunderstandings and loneliness. People you thought you knew, become strangers, strangers become friends. It is a world turned inside out with no up or down. It is a place where one kind word can turn you into a messed up pile of mush on the floor. Where your lost loved ones name on someones lips brings great joy beside the sorrow in your heart because they cared enough to remember them and compassionate enough to mention them.

And then the holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, special days start. All the firsts that you have to survive. Those who are still here expect you to be there for those days, expect more from you than you have to give. More emotional trauma. That is what grief is, total emotional trauma that eventually becomes physical as well. How do we walk through this minefield that throws everything at you even the kitchen sink. Nothing is exempt from this when death occurs unless you are the few who have no feelings at all and then it is assumed that you are a sociopath, serial killer etc. Someone will always have a tag for every thing. Untag yourself. What you are going through is unique to you. Painful as that is, this grief is yours, different from anyone else. You will have many similar experiences as others and some that are not. The thing is, what works for one may not work for another. Listen to your inner voice.

When those firsts, seconds, thirds come along, listen to what your emotions tell you. If you are not at a place where you can be around others at those times, don't force yourself just because it is expected. You need to be in protection mode for you are raw and easily hurt. I made the mistake of going to a function when my heart was screaming not to. What happened is not worth mentioning anymore but to say that I would have been better off to not have attended, although the end results may have been the same anyway. When it comes down to it, you are the only one who knows what you can handle. Most of the time it is trial and error but you do learn what your triggers are, what will make you hurt or send you into a week long spiral of sadness. There will be many triggers and some are unavoidable. Those you have to learn to breath through until you get to the other side and you may have to do that often.

Time is not your friend nor is it your enemy. For me, time does not heal. There are some hurts that are forever they just change faces as the world moves along. Today, I do not feel the same deep raw pain as I felt 11 months ago, but I do feel pain. It has become a part of who I am now. No closure, no getting past it or beyond it or over it. Those words are just what people think should happen. I think it is learning to live with it, accept that it is there, learn to live differently. Yeah, I hate it too, but what do you do when something comes to stay? You learn to live with it. You cry when you need to cry, or scream if that is what you need. You hide your tears away or wear them for all to see. There is no right or wrong about this. There is no one who has the right to tell you where you should be in this process.

This is not a journey, it is a way of life. It is not a process for processes come to an end. There are no words to adequately state what this is. I can't tell you that everything is going to be alright because how can it be? Will this grief stay forever? For some, yes for others, it will change. Some will find a different path and some will continue along the one they are on. One cannot know who will or will not develop a scar, who will stay in that moment of loss, who will move sideways from it. I have read everything I can, talked to many, searched the internet. Some people have helped when I have read their words, seen into their life. Others, not so much. I have read up on PTSD and realized that most of us have it in small measures and large ones. It helps to know this because we are so confused with our reactions to simple things. Finding out why you react the way you do helps take some of that confusion away.

I don't want to seem like I am giving advice for who am I to do so? I can only tell you where I am, what I see, feel, do. It does not mean that path is right for you. But maybe, just maybe, something in that path will help you. If there was a sure fire way of taking the sorrow away, we would all jump on it. None of us wants to be here. None of us had a choice. If my heart touches you, then you have blessed me and helped me along this lonely road. If you can take one step further with me then you have helped me take one step more.