What I Have Learned Since Being A WidowI've learned in the last two years there is only one thing important and that is "family". When you are alone 24/7, you realize that nothing in life can be more precious. I find myself in a situation that I thought I'd never be in. I never thought that at my age I would be completely alone. Maybe years down the road but not now. Well, I was oh so wrong! God has different plans even though I have NO idea what they are. Not even now. On June 8th, my husband will be gone two years.
I always thought I'd be the first to die. Not my husband. He was always so healthy and strong. I was always the sick one. I even had my "Will" all ready with the instructions neatly written out for him. Well the instructions are still there but he is gone. Cancer took him at the age of 48. So I find myself still fighting after almost two years to find my life's purpose. As of today I've made no progress. Seems like yesterday he died. I see this over and over daily. His last breath. Why can't I move on?
I've always been the one that took care of everyone else in my life. I often wonder who will be around to help me? As of now... NO ONE! This is a hard road to travel. This journey is the hardest yet. I use to think that all I'd been through before was difficult and it was but not like this. I often wonder why God chose this road for me. I know He has a reason but what could it be? My life's journey has been filled with heartache, abuse, and tragedy. As a Christian, I do try and have faith. My faith waivers. I use to tell my husband. "A dark cloud follows me around. Be careful. You may want to think twice about being with me!" He just shrugged it off and I'm glad he did because the years I spent with him were the best of my life.
Through this terrible journey I've also learned that most likely I'm on my own. How did I get here? In a state and town now alone with no one. I really don't understand it. I guess it isn't for me to understand. People have lives. It isn't their job to be here for me. Where did my life go? I'm still angry that everything was taken away. YES, still very angry. I go back and forth trying to move on and then getting stuck in the same place yet all over again. Then feeling guilt because I should be able to move on.
I've learned that God is the only One I truly have. That He is the one that is there when everyone else leaves. I talk to him more than anyone else. Throughout my whole life, I've felt abandoned. Everyone leaves. Nothing is forever here on this earth. I thought when meeting Bear, he was my forever and now at last I would be happy and could feel safe. He was my Knight in Shinning Armor rescuing me from being a single mom for 4 years in a strange state without anyone. I could go on and on about all of the crazy tragedies I've been through in my lifetime but what good would that do? I'm not looking for pity just validation.
I told my husband that I would love to crawl inside of him and stay forever. I realize that sounds weird but he was just that warm and loving. For me the loss is so great that I can't make myself accept it. No, not even now. Maybe I will in the future, or maybe I won't. I don't know if I can. Seems every time I make progress, I get knocked down again by something or someone.
I've learned that people will walk away from you when you are grieving. YES, they will! They don't want to hear it. They don't want their little apple carts disturbed. They say things to me like..... The first one not directly but implied. "Well, I have to walk away because your negativity is bringing me down." These have been said... "You have to get over this thing with your husband!" "I just don't want to be around sadness today. Lets talk about something else." "Oh, I can't take your crying." Or they will interrupt me when I'm crying and change the subject. I want to let people know something. I will always cry over my husband. If it bothers you, please just don't call me if you don't want to hear it. You CAN'T fix me. You can't make me get OVER anything. I can't make myself get over it either. Even the closest ones to you will walk away. But you know what? That is fine with me. I've learned going through this that there aren't too many genuine people in this world. They get tired of hearing you cry, tired of you talking about your husband, tired of having to feel responsible for their "widowed" friend or acquaintance. So here is the thing. If it bothers you..... don't do it. Remove yourself. Best advice I can give. If it bothers you to call me and hear me speak about my husband, then DON'T! Simple as that. I don't want to mess up or disturb your oh so neat and nice little apple cart. Please go on with your positive lives and make sure that you are very very grateful for all that you have that made your life oh so positive.
So, being a widow is hard. Did I say that already? Again, please understand that your life can be turned upside down too! Please don't compare my heartache with someone else's and tell me I should be grateful I had my Bear for a little while. The questions is ... Why couldn't I have him for a long while? I love him very much still. I may get over it or I may not.
I'm sure there are other widows out there reading this that agree and can relate. Until you are in our shoes, don't think you can tell us how we need to grieve or how long it takes. One last thing. Please don't tell us when it is time to stop crying and feeling the loss of our loved one. That loss will never go away.
So really what have I learned in the last two years of being alone and my heart being crushed every day? I've learned that the one that I lost was the only one that would truly be here for me if he could breathe. He can't breathe. He is gone. So really I've learned... I'm alone and the greatest tragedy of my life is losing the one person that truly loved me no matter what.
Still missing and loving you Barry Bear.
Always your wife,