Christmas without a loved one

Christmas after the loss of a loved one

 Bereavement counsellor, Del Marie McAlister looks at how people can still  celebrate Christmas after bereavement.

The word Christmas is synonymous not only with gifts and food, but also with spending time with loved ones. But after a loved one has passed away (or is missing),  there’s an empty seat at the table, and a vacant spot under the Christmas tree where his or her gifts would usually be. Perhaps it’s been like that for years.  You get Christmas cards with words like ‘Merry’ and ‘Joy’ expressing a season of happiness, but these words are illusive as you consider just how much you miss you loved one. Your raw emotions resurface as you reminisce happier times.

You are not alone in your grief. Every single day 40,000 parents across the world lose a child. Over 43,000 people in Australia died from cancer since last Christmas and , over 1,700  have died in road accidents. During the year over 200 people in Australia were murdered. Every day 400 babies die every day through miscarriage, stillbirth or cot death.  There over 6 suicides every day in Australia. Literally thousands of people will be facing their first Christmas without their loved one. And while over the years the intensity of the grief subsides, the Christmas season reawakens our sorrow. Each year as I decorate our Christmas tree I have a little cry as it reminds me of when Dad and I used to decorate the tree together, and its been 23 years since his passing!

The hole in your heart suddenly becomes very evident at this time of the year, doesn’t it? Tracey Grimshaw, the host of A Current Affair spoke candidly to The Australian Women’s Weekly (April 2013) about the loss of her mother: “When a person who you love so much, who is such a key person in your life, is sucked out of it, it leaves a huge hole. That hole is the shape of that person. No other person can ever fill that space for you – never.”

So how do those of us who have lost loved ones, embrace the spirit of Christmas once again? One of the ways you can face Christmas without a loved one is to reconnect themselves to them. How can you do that? Here’s some ideas:

• Keep using their name
• Tell each other stories and talk about the happy memories
• Have a photo printed and put in a new frame and place it in a prominent place in your home.
• Buy a gold locket and place his or her photo in it
• Tatttoo his or her name on your arm
• Write a letter to your loved one
• Make a scrap book about the life of your loved one
• Take some fresh flowers to their grave
• Release sky lanterns with messages to their loved one
• Write a song, poem, blog or a book about your bereavement journey
• Write on a memorial website
• Buy a Camibear to cuddle (with a tin heart to contain a loved one’s ashes or keepsakes)
• Plant a tree on her or his hounor
• Make a photo Christmas tree decoration
• The money you would have spent on that loved one – donate it to a Charity organization

Most importantly, don’t grieve alone. Reach out for support from friends, family, workmates and neighbours. Let them know how you are feeling.

Try not to bottle up your feelings. . Human beings are not designed to internalize emotions. Emotions need to be expressed. It really helps to have a good cry.  In her book, ‘Sweet Bitter Love”  Rita Schiano wrote, “Tears are God’s gift to us; our holy water. They heal us as they flow.” Diplomat and author Washington Irving says, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”