Words for the Journey

Friday, the 14th of NovemberEight months to the dayyou were just doing your jobWhen you were taken so tragically Getting home to see your daughterMost likely was in your thoughts

 Tonight might be your first candle lighting or you may have been to so many that you cannot remember them all.  Either way for me every one has been and is special. I have been where I had no hope and I have been to ones where I was full of hope.

In the beginning of my grief I would cringe when someone would say “You are being so brave.” I wasn’t being brave, I was putting on a face through my work day. I was putting on a face to my family and closest friends so I would not be a burden. Half of them did not even know or understand the internal warfare that was going on inside me, which still goes on inside me.

Even though the sadness, I see the beauty. Nothing will ever be as it once was as what was known means something different now. Everything turned upside down and became a world of contradictions. Opposites. Ying became Yang. What was once held as true became false, blue became red. That is the confusion of the world where we live. I was told I have a darkness in me and it is horrible and evil.

A year has passed...

Day one.Little did I know as we left the house that day, that you wouldn't be coming home. I remember the feel of your frail hand, with signs of years of hard graft, clasped in mine, scared yet hopeful. A role reversal, of child comforting parent. Exactly as it should be. Then came the waiting and waiting and waiting.

We count the days, weeks, months and years. We don't mean to, but it has become a part of our DNA. Eleven months, just another day to most but we who grieve. We look back not because we want to but because our hearts are drawn in that direction. We see the day before, the day after, the day itself. Heart-ache is not a beat away for it has never left.

One of the many things I find within myself is the need for validation. The need to have my son's life mean something, the life I had with him to have purpose. There are days, when the anger rules, that I pace and ask myself what was the purpose of giving him life when he would be gone again so soon? Why love so completely and have it ripped from me?

3rd dec 2014In loving  memory of my lovely sister Angela, who died 3 years ago todayTodays your annniversary my lovely sisYour presence in my life i truely missI miss you Angie so very muchYour lovely smile, your gentle touch

This has been one hell of a year.  I remember watching a movie called The Dollmaker when my children were little.  I remember the part when the little boy got run over by a train and the mother played by Mare Winningham, just cried and screamed her heart out.

Wrote this this morning for Krystle, my daughter who passed July 30, 2013.   I was thinking..If I had known this time last year that this was her last day on earth, what would I do..what would I say...what would you do if you knew it was the last time you would see your loved one? Love to all, xo Katie

 If I had known that I was leaving