Words for the Journey

I think one of the hardest things we are expected to do in life is tell a child, “Daddy’s Gone.” We are already in shock, struggling to come to grips with something we hardly understand. When they look at you, with those trusting, unconditional eyes, a new heartache arises. How to tell this child, who thought their daddy was their hero, that daddy has gone away?

Nothing prepared me     for this deep abyss         of loss.One day, you're a couple      and then          you're one.Your identity has changed      you search high and low           then you realize once again

So much confusion    I don't know where to turn.I once had a love    who now resides in Heaven.I thought,    "I don't want to give my heart again        and go through this deep agonzing pain."But, then     there is the intense loneliness.

The pain of saying goodbye       Hurts more than           the day you died.For it means      I'm not forgetting us          but I need to move on.One day,       we will meet again

Have you ever felt overwhelmed and stuck in grief? You're not alone! I'm so thankful for compassionate organizations like Open to Hope and The Grief Toolbox who will walk alongside us through a crushing season of life.

It wasn't until recently that I truly recognized "triggers" in my daily life.....things, events, words, smells , songs, memories....that initiate feelings and reactions in me.  These triggers are without warning and virtually impossible to predict or control.

The new normal? Of course I had not heard this phrase until after Tim died. It was then that it popped up a lot. I started to cringe every time I would run across it. Wasn't the death of my son enough? Now I had to learn to live a new life. Understand the world in a new way. No!!!! I did not want this. Once again, I had no choice. It had already started the moment he died.

Sometimes it was pitch black and sometimes it was an awesome day. Years of torment, endless cycles, treatment, over and over again. I suffer from manic-depressive disorder. Medication helps but I sometimes find myself feeling hopeless. My last suicide attempt landed me in front a psychiatrist who had treated hundreds like me. It was the result of many years of self help.

Where do we go from here? When all hope is gone, what do we do after the worse has happened? I remember when I was a child and our large families would come together, my dad and his brothers would go out into the yard to kill chickens for the feast. They'd quickly wring their heads from their bodies. That was the way of things at that time.

25 Years After… On the 7th May 1989, our only child, REBECCA took her last breath and flow to Heaven. Only four weeks earlier, we were celebrating her 17th birthday. We were so happy. If somebody would have told us that our daughter will be dead in less than a month, we would have thought he was out of his mind. She looked so full of life, gorgeous, lively and energetic.

There are many shades and depths of loss, whether it is a friend, relative or acquaintance. When Tim was a teenager, his best friend, Jake, was killed in a freak car accident. Every year, Tim would go out to Jakes grave on Jakes birthday. He would sit beside it and talk with his friend.

“Well, no I don’t specialize in grief specifically but with my many years of experience I’m confident I can help you,” said the counselor on the other end of the phone.  It had been 18 months since we lost our daughter Aly, and my husband and I were caught in the black abyss of sadness and hopelessness.  I was finally ready to wave the white flag and seek help.