Words for the Journey

Romans 5:5 (NKJV)“Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

Night time is my nightly nightmare, It's the time I miss you the mostI go outside and gaze with eyes wide open at the shaded sky and melancholy moon

I panicked when I first realized I don’t have your voice recorded anywhere: no voicemail, no video clip with sound.  A few seconds only of a soundless video clip when I was testing my new camera is the only "live" evidence left...I am so afraid I will forget the sound of your voice.

I never got to hear your laughI never looked into your eyesYou never went to time outBecause you never told a lie

Time. It seems inevitable that any discussion of grief and grieving comes back to time. “How long am I gonna feel like I want to run away?” “When do I start to feel better?” “Don’t you think you’ve grieved long enough?” “Time heals all wounds.” “It gets better.” “How long until I see them again?”

What a hell of a ride it has been. I look back over the last 22 months and I am in awe at how far I've come, yet how stagnant I've become. I feel I need to speak directly to those struggling parents out there or to those that are trying to love and be there for those struggling. It's one hell of a torturous road.

Ste

Some days I get so tired of hearing how strong I am. I don't feel very strong...I feel lost some days, like I'm in a fog and can't find my way out. I don't feel strong when my emotions are all over the place....when the tears come and my heart feels like it's breaking in pieces....

Since crossing this bridge in my life - this terrible, terrible tragic loss I have to realize: my life is different since I crossed the bridge.  It's not the life I have chosen, but it is the life I have now.

SteThis is how it feels without you, the constant pain and heartbreak that happens when I go to bed , when I wake up and at odd times when I have a moment of oblivion like a day dream and then the certain realisation of your death hits me like a knife piercing my heart and soul that you are forever gone.

Why is it when someone you love dies that you replay years worth of memories in your head in a few hours remembering every word, every look, every emotion you felt and witnessed and yet you crave new memories that are no longer possible.

I will never know yousee your smile orhear you crykiss your tiny hands and feetYour little brothercannot play with youor help me take care of youand you will never grow up together