Words for the Journey

 I Wonder if you’re watching meAs I sit here and cryI hope that you don’t hear meAsking God to tell me whyDo you know that I stopped living lifeWithout you by my sideIs it possible that you will knowI’ve lost all of my self prideI know you would be saddenedTo see me live this wayI’m making changes starting now

We are all individuals, our circumstances are different and our relationships are different as is the resultant level and depth and length of grief we experience. Whilst there are undeniable similarities –  each experience as unique as our fingerprints. 

When a Mother Loses her Child: 

 I want to share my story of Faith after losing Logan: On 12/18/14, at 8:15pm, I got a call from the emergency room stating Logan was there and a large team was working on him. No other info. What?!? I just saw him about an hour ago?!? He snuck out on his bike to go to the store at the end of our street and never made it. He got hit by a neglectful 16 year old driver.

I cry.I don’t want to cry.What good does crying do?Crying doesn’t bring you backCrying doesn’t fix anythingCrying doesn’t really give any relief

Anger in grief, whether generalized, towards someone who may have contributed to the loss of a loved or towards God is a very common human reaction.  Frankly, it would be strange if you weren’t angry. You’re angry because you loved them and wanted them to stay close to you always. Selfish maybe, but normal and human. 

As I write this, it is closing in on fourteen months. I ask myself if I am still a novice, a babe in the woods. Is there worse than this waiting to blindside me just around the corner? I have realized that as horrible as this is, there is worse. If life has taught me one single thing, it is how contrary it can become. Contradictions walk side by side, hand in hand.

Today, on Thursday 19 February 2015, I laid a memorial plaque for my love at the Victoria Bay memorial site.  I bought a beautiful Cape protea flower to lay there too.

I wish I didn't miss you,  I wish I didn't cry, I wish I'd had a momentWith which to say goodbye.

As I speak these words to you my love is with you. alot of people may not understand what you are going through, how can they? After experiencing the death of my mother I know my truth of this experience. I realised the suffering I had been through was a lesson to understand that nothing is missing.

The grass in heaven is much greenerThe flowers smell of God's pure loveThe sunlit sky is so much brighterAs I spend my days up above

Grief Surges – those unexpected, out-of-the-blue emotional tailspins that can send us spiraling downward with no forethought and no warning. Like ocean waves that tumultuously surge against the rocky shoreline, our emotions roll over us, bringing back the pain of our grief as if we were experiencing the event that triggered our grief all over again.