Words for the Journey

 

Heaven got much brighter on the day that I walked in

I want to tell you so much now, so where do I begin?

You worried deeply on that day that you’d forget my smile

Or that you’d never find another day in life worth while

You thought that when I passed that day that future days you’d dread

The first thing I should tell you is my spirit is not dead

The things that held me back in life no longer have a hold

And I am young and vibrant for in Heaven we’re not old

 

Grieving men are misunderstood. And for a good reason. After all, men don’t believe they have permission to grieve in the first place. When a man experiences a loss, they frequently resort to their primitive behaviors, suggesting to those who will listen, “I’m fine,”  Oh really?  Is that why you sit in front of your TV, endlessly watching programming you have little to no interest in watching, frequently falling asleep in your darkened home, and your half-finished pre-fab frozen dinner resting on your belly. Is that how you define “fine?” I can relate.

 

Stonework and masonry have played an important role in how people commemorate a person’s loss for thousands of years. If you go back to Ancient Egypt, you could argue that the pyramids were perhaps the boldest memorials in history - enormous stone monuments built to honor the passing of pharaohs.

 

 

The book, 52 Lists for Happiness, was a gift from my granddaughter. When I first read the title, I questioned the author’s concept. But when I opened the book and saw that Moorea Seal had divided it into four sections—Reflect, Acknowledge, Invest, Transform—I thought she might be on to something.

Well, here we are again. I'm sure some of you are getting tired of hearing from me. That's okay, I'm here anyway. We all have gone through a lot after our child/children passed.  The road we now walk is so rocky and steep, the top so far away. Some of us won't make it and I already grieve for the loss of a light soul passing away from us. More of us will keep climbing, what else can we do?

I have decided that unless my grandkids are in grave danger; I am keeping my opinions to myself.

I lost my youngest son 8 years ago in a sudden death accident. I have managed to function pretty well with the outside world. I go to a therapist, my doctor on schedule and participate in Grief groups. Not that I’m really concerned with myself however I don’t want my kids to mourn a brother and a mother. 

It seems they don’t quite understand how hard living each day is for me. I will share an example from early on and one more recent.

 

Mom was homeless in the final thirteen months of her life.

 

She died on the fourth Tuesday of a miserable August. A month before, she’d entered a hospital for medical tests after a devastating cancer diagnosis. My mother didn’t return to her apartment. She exchanged her familiar clothes for a thin cotton smock and a patient’s plastic wristband. Without knowing it, she’d never again sleep in her bed with its toasty down comforter.

 

 

My father-in-law was a gregarious person and made friends easily. He valued his friends and they valued him. Friends appreciated his “glad to see you” exclamations, handshakes, and heart-felt hugs. As the years passed Dad’s friends grew into an army of people.

So I was surprised at his lack of reaction when a friend died. Dad always had the same response to a loss, “He (or she) was a wonderful person,” and that’s all he said. I waited for Dad’s follow-up comments, but there were none. He just went on with his life.

When our hearts have been hit, loneliness begins to invade. Every relationship is unique. No wonder grief is lonely.

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

People seem shy around me. And no one mentions you. Why is that?

Are they worried about upsetting me? I’m already upset.

 

Following the passing of a wife or life-partner, it is the widower who needs support, not the deceased.

So why is it that so many widowed men complain about their sense of abandonment by their families, friends, neighbors, and co-workers following their loss? Behaviors and interactions with those who you would hope would be of some level of support to the widowers, can instead become hurtful, insensitive, and at times, clumsy.